Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.