me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
your honor my client chooses dare
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton