I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
This is painfully accurate 😅
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.