What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies