*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Nothing to do, you say?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”