@djdarrellripley

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

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@jonnysun

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

@AudreyPorne

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

@TheRolo

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@PieChord

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home