joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home