I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
is it earth
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.