Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.