me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Remember to think of others this holiday season!