The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
another case of gang violins
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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1.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My five year plan is a meteorite
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector