ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Friday
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.