Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: