“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!