HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
me irl
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone