[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Meow
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
im getting some exciting spam emails lately