What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”