Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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Nice try, NASA
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
May have had one breakfast too many
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.