Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”