Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.