My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.