Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
This kid is going places
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”