o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.