If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Are you a cat person or a person person?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.