When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
You Might Also Like
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Need this in my life lol
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.