It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?