His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.