Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My dad is at it again
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax