You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
these two trucks have the same bed length
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know