My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
How do you milk an almond?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.