My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You Might Also Like
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.