Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here