Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Every time.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.