Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
$3 #books
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank