Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
How dude HOW?!
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.