[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.