Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing