*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
This is Sparta
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.