Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.