*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.