Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My wedding will be open casket.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Welcome to the stomach
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.