My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
presenting your incognito window wrapped
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
happy friday
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?