cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most