Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
A classic…
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair