It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
You Might Also Like
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
another case of gang violins
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.