No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
me as a parent
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.