I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on