Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.