turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Body by cheese-puffs.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”