I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
You Might Also Like
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime