bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Sniffing the broccoli
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring