Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
You Might Also Like
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel